June 2, 2024 - Ahoy, Lather Games: The Castigation of Cowzilla the Third; or This Week; the Death of a Friendship
- Brush: Farvour Turncraft 'Blue Diamond Dust' / AP Shave Co G5A 26mm #PREMIUMPLASTIC
- Razor: Gillette 195 (Fatboy) #ADJUSTABLE
- Blade: Gillette Platinum
- Lather: Chiseled Face - Bay Rum
- Post Shave: Captain's Choice - Bay Rum - Splash
- Fragrance: Chicago Grooming Co. - El Caballero
Daily Write-Up
As you get older, there may become times in your life where you’re forced to sever a friendship because it’s no longer healthy for you to remain in the relationship. Today I’m recollecting the good times I’ve had with u/Cowzilla3, and lamenting the death of our bond. A bond that has lasted all of 24 months.
Cowzilla3 and I joined the sub at approximately the same time, and I was quickly entertained by his hijinks during the Lather Games of 2022. He added some levity to the games, though his schtick was taken too far when u/AirBudRuler took over.
We met in person for the first time in 2023 at the Maggard Meet, where we bonded over nachos, talking about shaving and life and many other topics.
I waited anxiously for the next installment of the Spice Off series, and read them multiple times whenever a new one was posted, aiming to glean as much information from them as possible. I scoured the internet for additional dupes for him to try, and even presented him with a full tub in a base he hadn’t experienced to review at the 2024 Maggard Meet.
Throughout this time we shared hardware and sent smushes back and forth. I knew I could count on him to respond quickly, and drop something in the mail in a reasonable time frame. So it was a little surprising that I had to ask multiple times for an Old Spice Dupe smush for the Lather Games. You see, as part of the planning committee, I had some input into the theme days, and one of my contributions was “Cowzilla3 Appreciation Day” which turned into Ahoy Lather Games once it was workshopped a bit. I was excited for the sub to celebrate our long-running soap reviewer, and my personal friend.
He had committed to sending one of his obscure Old Spice Dupes, so I built my calendar around that. However, I was alarmed by Friday of this week when no smush had arrived.
Sadly, I don’t think there is a written record of that conversation. Certainly nothing in Discord. But it went something like this:
OnionMiasma: “Hey, did you send out that smush of that Old Spice Dupe you were going to send? I’m planning to use is Sunday”
Cowzilla3: “No, I couldn’t be bothered. Get rekt, mate.”
There it was. The sign I should have known was coming, but my heart couldn’t believe had arrived. Like the fire of a towering dumpster inferno, Cowzilla3 had torched the remnants of our relationship, leaving my emotions charred and raw.
I look back and see other signs. The hateful Autostrop razor he gave to me for the Lather Games last year. Making me smell the god-awful concoction that Kyle created. The time we met for lunch and then I was going to take him to the airport, and he was like, “hey screw you, I’m actually flying from the airport that’s 2 hours one-way from your house, I don’t care if you mind, you promised to take me to the airport.”
I’ve spent the last 48 hours processing this immense hurt, working my way through the stages of grief. There was disbelief that my long-term friend could act so callously toward me, anger at the way I had been treated… Ok, that’s all the further I’ve gotten.
I’m still in the anger stage. And I know from the times in my youth when my mom’s boyfriend would smack me around in his alcohol-fueled rages, smelling like a mixture of Old Spice and cheap vodka, that music is the healthiest way for me to help process my anger. So, since he had at one time sent over the music video of Some Postman by the Presidents of the United States of America when I was having some ongoing mail issues, I decided to re-write the lyrics to one of their songs to illustrate my feelings right now.
Introducing “Cowzilla” to the tune of “Kitty” by the Presidents of the United States of America
Note: I left the “Meows” in the song. I think he was scared I wouldn’t agree with his review, and thus decided to ruin my LG calendar. Pussy.
Little reviewer been up all night
Little reviewer been up all night
Can you hear him typin’ at his keyboard?
Can you hear him typin' at his keyboard?
Little reviewer been up all night
He needs some nutmeg and lemon in his soap
He needs some anise and jasmine on his soap-filled brush
He's typin' 'up a review
He's typin' 'up a review
He needs some oldness and spicy in his soap
Oh, ‘Zilla, won't you stop reviews?
Cowzilla wrote a post and I won’t read it (x8)
Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow-meow
Meow
Meow
Meow
Meow
Cowzilla grinnin' and lookin' so satisfied
Cowzilla grinnin' and lookin' so satisfied
I've lost all my Lather Games chances
Lost all my Lather Games chances
Cowzilla grinnin’' and lookin' so satisfied
‘Zilla rear up and mess my calendar
‘Zilla rear up and mess my calendar
Fuck you, ‘Zilla, you're gonna spend the night (x3)
Unread!
You know who would never do something like this? u/Priusaurus. Even though I’ve spent the last 12 months trashing him and all he stands for, vilifying him as a cheat and a thief of the Lather Games title, he’s always been an absolute gentleman. A caballero, if you will.
Soap Theme Justification
Bay Rum. It’s in the name. I would have rather used an Old Spice Dupe… but here we are.
Post-Shave and Fragrance Relevance Notes
Theme: Bay Rum. For the second day in a row I’m using a Captain’s Choice sample, this time in Bay Rum scent. Closing it up with El Caballero, which Vida describes as a bridge between Bay Rum and Gentlemen’s Cologne. Ironic, because while u/priusaurus is a Caballero, u/cowzilla3 certainly is not.