July 1, 2023 – A Mea Culpa
- Brush: Heritage Collection 26mm C-Mon #PREMIUMPLASTIC
- Razor: Gillette Old Type #REGUS
- Blade: Personna Platinum Chrome (2)
- Preshave: Baxter Shave Tonic
- Lather: The Village Soap Smith – Old Spice Type
- Post Shave: Old Spice – Indian
As many of you know, last year I created the Air Bud Rule in which I argued that one did not have to shave in order to earn points in the Lather Games as the official rules did not state anywhere on the rules page that you needed to do this and thus “there ain’t no rule.” It was a roaring success with almost everyone except the judges, who tried to crush it under their limited worldview of shaving. It sparked a near revolution in the Lather Games and almost toppled the judges off their high tower. However, despite all this, this year there will be no Air Bud Rule.
I know many, if not all, of you are saddened and shocked. The Air Bud Rule has come to mean so much to so many who struggle to shave every day and still be counted as here. The simple fact of the matter, however, is that the rules have been rewritten – to the extent that they specifically call out the Air Bud Rule in them in order to point out that there are no “loopholes” to the games. That the judge’s laws, as unfair and cruel as they might be, are the true law of the land and that there is no place here for friendly golden retrievers who can shoot a basketball into a hoop. The judges hate cute animals. Here is the full text denying the Air Bud Rule:
Regardless how hard you try to read between the lines, there are no loopholes in the rules. There are no tricks of language to unravel. There are no “Airbud rules” to discover. None. No amount of arguing semantics will win an argument or brownie points with LG Staff if you try to play outside of the spirit or word of the games, so please don’t bother engaging in such disagreements. The Judges would much rather see you spend your creative energy on something positive or constructive to entertain your fellow Lather Gamers.
Because of this very clear and explicit rule, I see no way in carrying on the Air Bud Rule or the Air Bud Revolution. It was clear last year that I had upset many of the judges but this rewriting and full recognition of the Air Bud Rule makes it impossible to carry on doing so. While it is rewarding to know that the Revolution was powerful enough to warrant a direct call out, there is no fight left in me. I have shut down r/AirBudRule and will carry on in my normal Old Spicey manner with these Lather Games, all hope and dreams crushed from me. I fought the law… and the law won.
Ultimately it comes down to not being able to put the effort into convincing the judges that the Air Bud Rule is more than just a “loophole” but a true way of life that all wet shavers who gain wet shaving enlightenment are part of. As I stated in my original thesis for the Air Bud Rule, “shaving is more than merely the removal of hair from the body with a sharp blade. It is a way of life and we are all shaving all the time in a great community of wet shaving glory." I just can’t make the judges see this.
Don’t be angry at the judges about this, though. After they sat me down in a loverly theater and held my eyes open to watch 48 straight hours of Lather Games propaganda videos I can tell you that they are some of the best people around. The Air Bud Rule was really just a silly little thing and not anything anyone should care about. No, this is for the best. After all, there are so many folks in the Lather Games putting forth a full effort without even knowing what the Air Bud Rule is. We shouldn’t allow them the liberating knowledge of knowing that you can indeed be shaving even when you’re not technically shaving.
Let us then all come together – judges, me, and the other Air Bud Revolution acolytes – to become one community once again. I know many of you have spent all year training your dogs to carry pitchforks in hopes that this would be the year that the revolution took hold but put them away, lock up your set of golden retriever puppies you thought you’d be using for the Air Bud Rule sequel for it is not coming.
It may seem to some of you that I am being facetious or sarcastic here. It’s possible you are looking for a hidden code somewhere in this message that could give you hope. Some first sign that I will not be following the letter of the law. But I can tell you that every word in every paragraph here is true. The judges have nothing to fear from Cowzilla3, hear you me. This is the end of the line for my shenanigans and on the days I don’t shave I will simply not post. I will, of course, participate in these games but not to win, just for fun.
Victory belongs to the judges.
Evidently, I will just be spending these games doing regular posts earning regular points, and not arguing about the very foundations on which our shaving beliefs are built. As such, I should probably end this by actually talking about the shave today. Yes, believe it or not, there are Old Spice dupes I have not used yet and this is one of them. I won’t be lathering it again for review for a while but I will be getting a point as this is the first time I’ve ever used it.
So there it is. The end of the Revolution. The end of the Rule. Done. Finito. Fin. It turns out I was Snivley all along and now the judge(s), sitting in their weird outdoor court chair, have ruled against me.